April 27, 2021 - 12:54 PM

I'm speed-writing this update because my Folklore class starts in like two minutes, but hey, long time no see. Honestly, I am everywhere right now. The slivers of freetime I have are going to things I don't get to do very often, and unfortunately I've lost a bit of passion for updating my website in the process. I'm working on it, though. I played a shit-ton of Minecraft and Animal Crossing over the weekend, which was very refreshing. I've been sleeping a bit more, if not on the best schedule. I've got myself on a four hours one night, nine hours the next, so that's been pretty good for my health. Not to get too in depth about my personal life, but I definitely eat out tupperware and the microwave more than anything else and I'm not sure if I can even eat real food anymore. As for what's to come on my website? Probably nothing until finals are over, so look forward to seeing me again in May :). I love all like ten of you a lot and I've been designing my new website in my mind, maybe I'll share the plans with you sometime.


April 8, 2021 - 3:15 AM

Hi! I've been playing around with some test CSS a lot recently because I have a new website layout idea, but I'm not sure exactly how I'd like it to look! Please pretend you do not see my test pages because they are horrendous and I honestly still have zero clue how CSS and HTML work. My website will probably keep the same look until I smooth out the edges.


March 28, 2021 - 11:55 PM

Long time no see (if a week is a long time). Currently, I'm writing this blog post or journal entry or w/e to procrastinate writing someone else's paper. I spent the day with my sister, which was really nice, honestly. I don't have much to say, just that I've been busy and stressed but overall better. I'm just rowing the boat through the rocky waters we call life. If you want life updates on things I talked about last week: I got another scholarship, I'm cutting back on my hours at work the tiniest bit, I haven't played guitar at all, and I'm just swallowing my anxiety for now. I'll probably throw a bunch of pretty words up on my musings page later tonight, but I have to finish this paper first. I just added a couple more buttons to my "mutuals" section, and I'm planning on actually finishing my animal crossing pages soon, burnout is one hell of a bitch, though. Have a good morning, evening, or day.


March 21, 2021 - 12:46 AM

So... I got a scholarship. And hopefully I'll be getting another one if I'm lucky. I'm impatient and hearing that other people in my school had gotten responses about scholarships threw me into panic mode like, immediately. Life's been a bit on that up and down slide, lately. I feel like I'm peaking in a career and school-based sense, while everything else in my life suffers slipping into the cracks. Today is Oddie's birthday, which I WILL remove from this blog post if she asks, but I am allowed to speak about it for now. On the subject of highs and lows, I just feel like mentally I'm hitting mountain-tops and valleys, and it's the strangest sentiment. One minute I think about the fact that I'm doing well in my job and I've got a switch and I'm relearning the guitar and the next minute I think about how much time I spend at work and how little my schedules align with other people and how my body is kind of giving up on me again. I'm coping brilliantly but I'm suffering the consequences of never solving the issues at the root of my person. Fuck this insightful shit, I want to be stupid and do zero introspection ever.


March 18, 2021 - 12:26 PM

I don't think I'm getting any scholarships. At this point, if the worst college in the country offered me full ride I'd go. I thought maybe I just hadn't found out whether I'd received a scholarship, yet, but it turns out I just probably didn't get any and they don't want to draft a rejection letter. If one of the colleges I'm admitted to would just say "Hey! You get a scholarship of $5" I'd enroll. That's all it takes, guys. Please give me a scholarship.


March 16, 2021 - 12:42 PM

I might be spiraling just a little bit, if that wasn't obvious yet. My parents talked to me about having children last night, and I fumbled my way through telling them I didn't want any while they convinced me I was going to be a great mother and having children would be perfect for me. I know that my opinions on having kids are subject to change when I get older, but it's disrespectful to throw that in my face when I've stated I'm not interested and that I don't like kids. I think they know something is up, and my dad's been lamenting that I don't trust him--have you tried not being in a cult, Dad? I know I'm not being fair, but I don't want to be fair. They did a great job raising me and everything, but I feel like my life is being planned without my consent. Because they didn't get what they wanted (or are told they're supposed to) with my older siblings, they're trying to force that perfect lifestyle onto me; it isn't working and--shocker--it's making me push them away.


March 12, 2021 - 11:07 PM

I should probably warn you now that this isn't going to be a positive or really healthy blog post, it's frankly triggering and I want you to do what's best for your own mental health.
The thing they don't tell you about depression is that you can forget you have it. I cup my sanity in my hands as it seeps through the gaps between my fingers and pretend I'm not losing any of it. Things are improving. I'd argue I'm doing better now than I have been in a while. And yet, I'm depressed. I look in the mirror in the morning and try to rub the bags under my eyes out. I use mouthwash in the shower and try to convince myself to brush my teeth at three am. I pretend that I didn't tuck my eyebrow razors away in the bathroom drawer the day after I got them. I kicked myself out of therapy because I couldn't face reality. I pick up hobbies and put them down just as fast. The prescription I know I have is buried in a kitchen cabinet. Everything in my life is telling me I should be on the up and up. I'm freshly 18, I've just been promoted, I'm graduating in two months, and I have everything I could ever want or need. And yet my brain is broken. It's all busted up inside and I just can't let myself be happy. I say I am happy, that I'm going to be happy despite everything, but every bone in my body works against me. For the first time in my life, the future is attainable but I'm just sitting curled up in my bed until I have to go to work or school or act as a functioning member of something. And I pretend it's not happening, because that would be admitting that I'm acting self-destructively and I don't want to stop. I want to live now, but I still don't know how to act like it, apparently.


March 10, 2021 - 11:56 PM

I'm officially eighteen,
What's that quote about birthdays?
That when you grow up you're not
Only eight but you're eight and seven
And six and five and so on?
Nothing has changed
Outwardly, at least,
But I'm not who I was a year ago
And I'm not who I will be
A year from now.
Yet I'm everything in between.
I still fill my life with blankets
And stuffed animals,
I paint old toys and
Kiss my dogs on the head
Even though I know where they've been.
I'm still seventeen and
Sixteen and
Fifteen and
Fourteen and
Thirteen and
Twelve and
Eleven and
Ten and
Nine and
Eight and
Seven and
Six and
Five and
Four and
Three and
Two and
One and
Isn't it a little strange to grow up?


March 9, 2021 - 1:51 AM

I finished my sketchbook recently so I've been using a temporary one that's filled with graph paper. This week is spring break and also my birthday (hooray!). I got a nintendo switch, so I've been playing a ton of Animal Crossing: New Horizons. I got a tiny house kit, so I'm pretty excited to put that together! Things are changing. There's not much else I'm in the mood to say? I've been writing a lot of poetry, again, but that's normal for me.


March 7, 2021 - 1:57 AM

Where do you start with a blogging page? I'm not sure how much or how little I'd like to say, yet. I may steal Oddie's date formatting because I'm not certain how I'd like mine to look and I love that Windows '95 look at the moment. Things have been changing a lot, recently, yet I feel the same. It's like being in a fishtank in the middle of the ocean, the fish swim by and the tide swirls but I remain in stagnant water. I'm a big fan of metaphors. I worked a seven hour shift today, and it was my first time being in charge of the other part-timers. I'll be getting my promotion next Wednesday, and I can't help but feel a slight sense of anxiety. Like I said, a lot of change while I stay the same. In other news, I'm kind of stuck on this website. I know what I want to do and what I want to add, but sometimes I feel incapable of doing it, especially because half of what I try to do ends up looking ugly. Anyway, this "journal entry" has turned into a wall of text, I'm sure, so I'll leave off there. Until tomorrow.


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